Log in

No account? Create an account
What The Hell? - Body by Henson, brain by Seuss. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kelly J. Cooper

[ website | KJC Edits - let me edit you! ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

What The Hell? [Sep. 27th, 2007|05:56 am]
Kelly J. Cooper
[Tags|, , , ]

I feel like I'm flying apart, in a million little pieces, in a million different directions.

I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.

I have no idea what my next step should be.

I'm scattered and scared and freaked out. I've blown my sleep schedule to hell and back. I'm busy, constantly geting this things or that thing done, but I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I'm angry, but at no one nor anything in particular. I'm exhausted, partly because I sleep every other day and partly because this emotional rollercoaster wears me out.

It rubs my edges rough, and cracks the smoothness into surfaces that slice and abrade.

I go through this every few months, years, decades.

Stupid cycles.

I know this feeling.

I feel like something's about to happen... as if a tipping point is about to drop its load on my life.

The problem is, I have no recollection of what happens afterward. I mean, if this is a pattern, what's the next thing that happens to me? How do I resolve this? Or does it just fade into regular life? Maybe things drift back under my control (or the illusion of control reasserts itself). Maybe some event (real or given some imagined import) flips the switch in my little nest of neurons and the fulfillment of this sense of anticipation allows me to move forward.

Whatever it is, whatever I do, it leaves me unprepared for the event when it appears again. Raw. I could rant for hours, scribble through pages, fill up files, crowd out friends' screens, but it all comes down to "I don't know" and "I wish I understood."


[User Picture]From: aroraborealis
2007-09-27 08:30 am (UTC)
When I'm in that place, the best way for me to get out of it is to do something radically different. If it's a deep hole, that means fleeing the country or applying to grad school. Smaller holes might lead to taking a class, picking up a new project, a massive cleaning of my room, which tends to accumulate clutter...
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: metagnat
2007-09-27 09:24 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I am familiar with cycles like that. I think sometimes, something happens to shift your perspective and sometimes, as aroraborealis says, you must shift it, yourself. Please let me know if you need anything. I'm available, if you need to talk or get hugs.

(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: dpolicar
2007-09-27 12:10 pm (UTC)
(nods) Yup. I know those cycles.
I don't have any great advice for dealing with them; mostly what I do is sit tight and watch them happen and try not to do anything too stupid.
But, for what it's worth, you're not alone.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: drwex
2007-09-27 02:27 pm (UTC)
Because it's in my nature to give advice I'll state a few things that have worked for me in dealing with such things in my own past:

- make a list of what I did get done. Concrete lists I can refer back to help me avoid feelings of having gotten nothing done.

- stop doing things, even if only for 10 or 15 minutes. Try to feel what grows inside me as the "I want to be doing this" most.

- do something that forces me to slow down, like taking a bath or a shower with hair washing. Something I can't dash through gives me some breathing room. Plus, I personally feel much better when I'm clean and even if I don't 'solve' anything by bathing I feel better about myself when I'm clean. Go figure.
(Reply) (Thread)