|What The Hell?
||[Sep. 27th, 2007|05:56 am]
Kelly J. Cooper
I feel like I'm flying apart, in a million little pieces, in a million different directions.
I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.
I have no idea what my next step should be.
I'm scattered and scared and freaked out. I've blown my sleep schedule to hell and back. I'm busy, constantly geting this things or that thing done, but I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I'm angry, but at no one nor anything in particular. I'm exhausted, partly because I sleep every other day and partly because this emotional rollercoaster wears me out.
It rubs my edges rough, and cracks the smoothness into surfaces that slice and abrade.
I go through this every few months, years, decades.
I know this feeling.
I feel like something's about to happen... as if a tipping point is about to drop its load on my life.
The problem is, I have no recollection of what happens afterward. I mean, if this is a pattern, what's the next thing that happens to me? How do I resolve this? Or does it just fade into regular life? Maybe things drift back under my control (or the illusion of control reasserts itself). Maybe some event (real or given some imagined import) flips the switch in my little nest of neurons and the fulfillment of this sense of anticipation allows me to move forward.
Whatever it is, whatever I do, it leaves me unprepared for the event when it appears again. Raw. I could rant for hours, scribble through pages, fill up files, crowd out friends' screens, but it all comes down to "I don't know" and "I wish I understood."