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Kelly J. Cooper

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Gah [Apr. 29th, 2007|05:00 am]
Kelly J. Cooper

My journal has turned into a pile of crap. Links, food wanking, pointers, pointless questions, games. CRAP! ALL OF IT!

I've had so many dreams and wishes and hopes and plans. It's so tangled, a tar ball of fear, ennui, lack of motivation, exhaustion (mental and physical), unsortable chaos, loneliness, confusion, and more fear.

I don't even want to talk about it. I'm tired of hearing myself, I'm tired of complaining, I'm just plain fuckin' burnt out on being burnt out. It's absurd, it's ridiculous, it's a low-grade hum that sets my teeth on edge without me quite knowing it's there, but I know there's something because the muscles in my temples ache from clenching my jaw. I'm so angry. I'm so paralyzed. I'm so pissed at everything and nothing.

I can't express the sheer amount of circular thinking that dogs me and drags at me and makes me want to punch through bad guys, grab onto their spines, and rip them out of their bodies just to be DOING SOMETHING. Anything.

I hate feeling helpless.


[User Picture]From: kimberlogic
2007-04-29 08:50 am (UTC)
I can truly relate to this and I wish I had a solution or knew how to help you break the cycle. I want to help you feel less lonely and helpless. I suppose my attempt might be akin to "the blind leading the blind" but I will still give it my best shot. *hugs*

I do have to disagree with you about this:
My journal has turned into a pile of crap. Links, food wanking, pointers, pointless questions, games. CRAP! ALL OF IT!

as I really enjoy the links and pointers and amusements and questions of great pondering that you post.

I love you.
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[User Picture]From: aroraborealis
2007-04-29 08:59 am (UTC)
Ugh! I hate it when I end up in a rut like that. If there's anything I can do to help you shake yourself loose from it, let me know!
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[User Picture]From: louiseroho
2007-04-29 10:07 am (UTC)
Advice on cleaing up your Blog:

Emulate the Pillow Book.
Pick a theme or two and stick with them.
Don't use your journal as an instrument to tell the world who you are, but instead to say what you think.

I think I'll try and take this advice too.

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[User Picture]From: miss_chance
2007-04-29 10:52 am (UTC)
Well, you won't hear me say this often, but I agree with romkey to some degree.

I think of myself as a tremendous slacker for all the things I don't do. My chiropractor asks me "so you're a very hardworking person? you push yourself pretty hard?" and I reply, "nah, I'm a total slacker. a hedonist, really."
And yet I'm more satisfied than I've ever been with what I've been accomplishing lately. It's just that there's tons more I *could* be doing that I've decided I'm satisfied with not doing.

Sometimes I think being satisfied might be one of the most revolutionary acts an american can perform. Really. We're "supposed" to be constantly striving to have, do, get, consume moremoremore, to never be satisfied with who we are, what we have, what we do, so every time I lie back in my hammock with a glass of water and a big smile, and relax, I'm bucking the system. ;-)

For what it's worth, I think you've been on a good and healthy track lately. It's been sounding as if you've been moving forward, baby steps, in a direction you want to go. And, I don't think of your LJ as CRAP, I think of it as entertainment, which I value highly.
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[User Picture]From: madbodger
2007-04-29 10:59 am (UTC)
I know that feeling. I've punted plenty of posts because I didn't want to inflict them
on my friends. And, reading back, I realize I've still inflicted rather a lot.

Even if it's irrelevant for various reasons, I really like you. I still smile when I think
back on the time when we were flirting via e-mail. I admire your mind, and your
rare blend of pragmatism, solidity, and fun.

I wish I could help.

I miss you.

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[User Picture]From: bookly
2007-04-29 12:22 pm (UTC)
Boy, do I know that feeling. And boy, does it suck. If there's anything I can do from over here, let me know.

And FWIW, I agree with everyone else who's said they enjoy your journal; it's been a lot of fun for me to read. I've enjoyed getting to know parts of you through it; I feel like we've known each other for years, but haven't ever really known each other, if that makes sense...
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[User Picture]From: missionista
2007-04-29 01:42 pm (UTC)
I like reading your journal, even if I don't comment much. And think of all the things you *have* accomplished, when you start thinking of the ones that aren't done yet.
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From: i_leonardo
2007-04-29 06:20 pm (UTC)
doctah womkey's right about life (speaking as one who's moving through that very process meself...anyone want a cat ?)

whether or not that applies to your *journal* is something else. i imagine it depends on what the purpose of your journal is. if you're trying to document your life, only you can say if it's meeting that need. if you're trying to entertain people, consensus seems to be that you succeed (count me in there). if you're trying to win a booker prize.....yeah, not so much.

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[User Picture]From: cgull_
2007-04-29 11:27 pm (UTC)
That's a beautiful rant, Kelly. It ranks up there.

And you are doing something. You're naming your problems and venting your emotion about them. Both of those are Good.

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[User Picture]From: drwex
2007-04-30 04:00 pm (UTC)
I have to say that I empathize with this to a large degree. It's hugely sucktastic and I'm sorry you're so frustrated and upset by it.

Like other commenters I will say that I enjoy reading what you write here. And, like others, I don't have useful advice on ways to break the cycles.
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[User Picture]From: metagnat
2007-05-01 09:06 am (UTC)
Empathy & positivity brainwaves are coming at you.

We should get together again and form a mutual motivation society.

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