||[Jan. 28th, 2011|12:56 am]
Kelly J. Cooper
|[||Tags|||||15-minutes, add, adhd, books, clean, clean-up, cleaning, drugs, getting things done, gtd, organize, psychiatrist, therapy, tv||]|
I want to be good, but it's hard!
Wednesday, I did not do my 15 minutes of clean-up. Mostly because by the time I got everything else done, I didn't have any energy.
Tuesday, I stayed up late finishing a medium-sized rush edit, then crawled into bed for a few hours before jumping in my car (for the first time in weeks, although I've been good and with the BF's help have kept it mostly clear of snow the whole time) to drive down to Norwood & visit my psychiatrist. I got there early! Which I planned in advance!
We generally talk for 20-25 minutes, which is nice but never feels like enough time. This time she said something interesting (although not as funny as the time she called after me as I was walking out the door, "Use your powers for good!"). She sees me as much brighter and more energetic than I was over the summer when I stopped going to my weekly therapy sessions with my psychologist (who had unexpected surgery & then complications forcing her to retire, perhaps permanently). She sees it as a positive.
This was especially interesting because it feels like I'm backsliding on my sleeping, sleeping all day on Monday and not getting up before 3pm the last few days. Last week I was fighting to get out of bed and failed a couple of days in a row. I'm making a concentrated effort to get a multivitamin, at least one dose of Ribose, and two REAL meals into myself EVERY day but it's tough, for a bunch of different reasons that I'm slowly teasing apart.
Anyway, we're also increasing my Bupropion (generic Welbutrin) because while I still feel like it's working, it's not as OOMPH-y as it was when I first started. But overall, she's seeing improvements.
I can't really see myself. I mean, I'm visible in a mirror and I can physically see the parts of me that aren't right next to my eyeballs, but my self-perception with regard to my overall "self" is limited. I know that I'm a pretty good editor, for instance, but have no idea if I'm improving as I do more of that type of work. It's easier, I'm faster, and I get a lot of compliments. So I guess I'm doing better. But I can't see it. I rely on external cues to tell me about the improvement. I'm smart, I know, and competent at many things, but the data for these conclusions largely come from the outside.
After I got back into Cambridge, I stopped off at my Doctor's and got a B-12 shot. I should be trying to get those every 3-4 weeks, but I only seem to manage it when I'm on my way back from the psychiatrist (every 6-8 weeks) as that's the only time I'm over by Concord Ave.
Then I ran four errands, went to the bank to deposit a check, ran one last errand, and went home. I swept the snow off the front stairs & walk, shoveled the inch+ we'd gotten off the paths through the backyard, shoveled between the cars, and then shoveled behind them. By the time I was done, I was pretty pooped for the day. I'm not gonna beat myself up about failing to do my 15-minutes though, cuz as catness reminded me, failing to get maintenance stuff done interferes with my ability to get TO DO list stuff done. I very much like that.
Today, I woke up at 3pm, after a restless night. I was exhausted, so I went to bed early Wednesday night. And, as I often do when I go to bed before 11pm, I woke with a start at 2:30am. I had two more long awake periods during the night and turned off my noontime alarm without much thought. Anyway, today, I got up to use the bathroom & when I came back, I really wanted to get back into bed.
So I tried bargaining with my brain. "If you get up, we can do something fun!"
I was a little bit surprised to get a response. Not an "I hear voices" type of thing, but an upsurge of sensations: resentment, sorrow, feelings of being overwhelmed that coalesced into one thought.
(The back & forth was a little less wordy than this, but this is the essence of the conversation I had with myself.)
Brain: "You're going to make me shovel."
Me: "Only a little bit. The BF snow-blowed the block this morning after the snow stopped. We just need to clean off the car before it freezes."
Brain: "Don't wanna. Get back in bed."
Me: "OK, how about I promise we'll watch some recorded TV first?"
Brain: "No tricks? You won't renege once we get out of bed?"
Me: "Nope. Promise."
Brain: *grudging* "OK."
And I got up! It worked! Not enough energy to shower, but I read email, LJ, Twitter, & such until it was an hour after taking my pills, then ate "breakfast" and watched a recorded show. I was briefly tempted to skip the show & head outside, but decided that the 5-year-old who lives in my brain and seems to be in charge for the first hour I'm awake would remember that and this trick would NEVER work again.
After the show (Medium, second to last episode, in case you are curious) I cleaned off my car (and shoveled the path to my car, which didn't get snow-blown). Then, just for reinforcement, I watched another recording (the series finale of Medium; I cried like crazy). Afterward, I worked on the living room. It was actually good that I was crying because I really didn't want to ingest any more media at that point. Also, cleaning took my mind off the sad of losing my favorite show.
I planned to make up my missed 15-minutes today (Thursday) by working for 30 minutes and I ended up working for an hour, which was good. I emptied a plastic crate of all the graphic novels (GNs) in it, intending to write down their info & repack them. BUT, I noticed that I hadn't read a lot of them and had in fact been looking for a couple of them. So I sorted them into "read" and "unread" and then pulled piles of "read" GNs from around the room to just about fill the box. It's not completely full, but it was time for TV (Bones!) and I was tired. Oh, also, I labeled it box #2.
As a consequence of the work, I also put a bunch of different series together around the room, so GRAVEL volumes 1-3 are in the crate while CHEW volumes 1-3 (read, but I wanted them handy) are in a stack together and all the 20th CENTURY BOYS (that I can find... missing volume 2, dangit) are in another stack together, etc. This is very pleasing to me mentally. I like to have like with like.
After Bones (cool head asplodey!), while the news was on, I poked around a little more and added a couple more GNs to box #2, put a few GNs together in piles, and made a stack to go upstairs.
That stack of books (one by JMS, and another four that are the first two volumes in two different current & on-going series that I wanted to keep handy) are now on the shelves in my bedroom (which have a bit of space here and there).
And the boyfriend baked cookies after dinner as a reward!
This is long, chatty, & very private-journal-like, but I feel like I needed to document the last couple of days to see the larger pattern of how I'm doing, where I feel successful, and where others perceive me as successful. But I didn't wanna lock it cuz ya'll are my accountability coaches! I won't feel neglected if you don't feel like reading the whole thing.
Oh, also, reminder to myself to work on my therapeutic goals for each of the drugs I'm taking.