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Kelly J. Cooper

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A Rambling Update [Feb. 17th, 2009|03:03 am]
Kelly J. Cooper
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CONFESSION: I haven't really been reading LJ since late November, 2008.

I'm sorry for all those life-changing events, both large and small, that I missed. I feel very disconnected from everyone. (More on that below.)

I just read everything that I posted in the last 2-3 months, looking to see if there are threads I left unknotted. It's interesting to see the ups & downs.

Catch-up stuff from me:

Getting addicted to Twitter in early December made the distraction factor much MUCH worse and contributed to my not reading LJ.

The cold from hell I had in December came back at the end of January and knocked me out for the first week in February. It didn't let up until the middle of last week.

Per more mundane matters, my Dermatologist cleared me (at my annual check-up) and suggested that I use lotions containing lactic acid or uric acid to help with one of my skin issues (keratosis pilaris). Since my previous experience with lotions containing uric acid turned one of my purple towels bright pink, I'm trying a lactic acid-based one. It's working pretty well so far. She also requested that I get a B vitamin level check next time I have blood drawn.

My follow-up with the Endocrinologist went well enough. He wants me to stay at 75 MCG of the generic Synthroid. My panels show no abnormality in my hormones.

I keep forgetting to get my hearing checked. Need to do that soon.

I'm slowly adding people back into my cell phone. I haven't figured out how to make it play a different, less annoying noise, but I have successfully set it to vibrate & then make noise. The worst thing about it is that its CALL and END buttons are in the exact opposite positions from my previous phone. So I keep hanging up before I even make a call. Also, due to my paranoia about losing it, I have it on a lanyard tied to a belt loop. But the lanyard's not long enough to allow me to answer the phone without detaching it, so I need a better solution.

The blood-pressure-check appt. with my PC is tomorrow (er, later today). My BP has been at or below normal all the times I've checked it in the last month. Bringing the little machine into the appt. to confirm its calibration. (Who's a nerd? Me.)

The sleep doctor appt. is at the end of the month. Can't wait.

I got signed up to show work at Somerville Open Studios. I have lots of great ideas but I'm having difficulty sitting myself down to make (or complete) the various projects.

The flyer guy posted my flyers and I've been getting client calls for editing work. Mostly from students looking for help with small jobs. Some unable to actually deliver their papers in advance of when they are due (which means they negotiate time with me, leave me hanging, and never call or email again). These are not the steady clients I was hoping for, but it's work. I'll take it.

I just barely managed to get my shit together enough in time to get my name and contact information added to the CAEN website. That's the Cambridge Academic Editors Network at http://www.cambridge-editors.org/. Woot.

Emotional junk:

The energy and clarity I felt in December and January never came back. Instead, I've been slowly descending into abject misery. It sucks.

I was sliding down misery hill when I found out that my doctors think I really do have a sleep disorder - at first, I was relieved. Then I realized that I'd gone through the past 30 years with the dual burdens of clinical depression and exhaustion. What might I have been? What could I have accomplished without all that or with early detection? I'm not done processing that yet, but it makes me feel like crap.

Add to that my usual inability to get out of bed and my millions of other avoidance behaviors... well, the result is that I've been feeling pretty alone and disconnected and awkward. I don't actually want to DO anything except sleep, watch TV, and eat dinners with my boyfriend. That sucks too.

I'm working on it, but not having much luck. It kinda feels like I just need to ride it out until I'm heading back up the hill, away from the misery at the bottom.

We did have a nice Valentine's day. I've had a few moments of brightness. But not many.

I'm feeling pretty ashamed of how I've blown off socializing lately. I'm very sorry.

Yeah. So that's me. How are YOU doing?

[User Picture]From: rmd
2009-02-17 10:15 am (UTC)
regarding the phone ringer -- it's possible your phone will work with my phone software. if so, you're welcome to use it to drop ringtones onto it. (you can use any mp3 as a ringtone)
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[User Picture]From: lillibet
2009-02-17 12:22 pm (UTC)
I can't speak for anyone else, but I would be surprised if everyone didn't feel approximately like this:

You do what you have to do. I don't care about you because you show up or because you make plans with me. I know that you have some fairly massive stuff to deal with and that does and should take priority. I miss you and I'll be very glad to see you when that happens. And I'm not going to stop inviting you to stuff simply because you don't respond.

Separately, I will remind you of Grandma Moses, who didn't start painting until she was in her late 70s. We are all on our own timelines.
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[User Picture]From: catness
2009-02-17 04:33 pm (UTC)
I have beat myself up a lot (for most of my life) about how I coulda shoulda woulda done this or that in the last 30 some years. But, ya know, I have to stop worrying about the hand I was dealt before, whether by me or the universe. I just have to say, "What am I going to do tomorrow?"

It *pisses me off* that I have to leave the past unresolved, but I need to get over that, too. I don't have a lot of time left, and I need to use it wisely. And for me, that means enjoying life, not necessarily accomplishing great things. There's only so much under my control, and maybe great things can come from fixing my enjoyment level instead of failing at planning great things. I dunno.

I hope you can learn to not beat yourself up all the time. *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: drwex
2009-02-17 06:17 pm (UTC)

I'm doing pretty well, thank you for asking

I'm very aware right now that I don't have my mojo back, but I'm way the hell less stressed about that than I was last year at this time.
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[User Picture]From: gem225
2009-02-18 01:11 am (UTC)
Ride it out, then, Kelly dear. *hugs*

I'm doing all right here with my knitting and my DVDs and my computer now that I'm back online, but I'll be really glad when spring comes. I'm longing for tulips and violets and dogwood trees in bloom.
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[User Picture]From: cmeckhardt
2009-02-23 10:35 pm (UTC)
What might I have been?

I hear you. I had that when after 5 years they noticed oh hey, look, hypothyroidism, and I'm having it now, when they noticed oh hey, look, sleep apnea. (Which is what's up with me. Still waiting for my machine. The waiting is a killer.)
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