|Late Night Musings
||[Oct. 8th, 2008|04:24 am]
Kelly J. Cooper
I make many things more difficult than they need to be and I don't know why.
I know that a tremendous number of my issues can be tracked back to the "OH NO! I MIGHT MISS SOMETHING!" fear. They're not solely due to that particular neurosis, but many of them are entwined with it, like lazy lovers on an over-sized bed, all tangled sheets and too many legs.
A lot of "UGH! WHY BOTHER?" comes partly from depression, and partly from an inability to follow through, often because many things I wanted (to do or to have) in the past failed to materialize. The best way to avoid disappointment is to not get your hopes up in the first place. (And anyway, hope is glued to the trampoline.)
Right now, there's a lot of aimlessness because I don't know what I want my adult life to look like. I don't want it to look like THIS (its current state), but I'm not sure of the shape I want. Everything is in a constant state of decline - things getting lost or rumpled or bent or dusty or broken or obsolete - because I jump from thing to thing, idea to idea, project to project, without really completing much of anything to my satisfaction. I might teach myself a new skill, but run out of patience or money to learn it sufficiently well to take it to the next level - selling a product I've made, renting out a service I can perform, really enjoying the next project I take on, etc.
There's something about spending eighteen years getting an education that has skewed goal-setting in me. I'm not sure how to approach it, since goals and achievements and happiness and happy-making things are all tangled up with sleep problems and digestive issues and depression and the absence of a steady cash flow.
To have a real goal, you've got to want it - a child, a published manuscript, a produced play, a level of monetary comfort, an audience, the perfect burrito. What I want - happiness - is too abstract and I don't know how to take hammer and tong to it and shape it into something more specific.