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Sleep And Depression - Body by Henson, brain by Seuss. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kelly J. Cooper

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Sleep And Depression [Jun. 20th, 2008|04:47 am]
Kelly J. Cooper
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Back on Memorial Day, I had a little fit of pique at the world. It was depressed and exhausted. I'd stayed up much too late (until 7am) and the BF was out of town. I crawled into bed and stayed there, except for getting up to use the facilities, for about 24 hours.

I got up, was awake for maybe 8 hours, went to sleep again (around 2pm on Tuesday, failing to make it over to Circlet), woke late that evening, was up for a while through Wednesday morning. I tried to stay awake to have lunch with muffyjo, but ended up passing out while waiting for her to finish up something (sorry again!). Slept until the BF returned from his trip, around 10pm. We chatted, he convinced me to get out of bed for some food. We ate, I might've read email, then I went back to sleep.

I worked Thursday, worked my normal LONG damn day Friday, slept Saturday, worked Sunday.

But I wasn't feeling depressed. In fact, by the following Monday, I was strangely cheerful.

That was 18 days ago, and over the last 4-5 days, I've felt the cheerfulness slipping away.

Three things. 1. This dispels an internal theory I had about my schedule automatically making me depressed on Mondays (due to sleep issues building up). 2. I'm once again desperately sleep deprived. 3. What the hell?

Where did the cheerfulness come from? Was it because I was just going with my bodily urges? (I felt tired, I lay down, I slept.) Because I was being with the depression instead of fighting it or trying to figure it out? Because I finally SLEPT ENOUGH? (But I've slept and slept and slept before, without the cheerful results.)

Right now, I have a pile of deadlines (IT client, Picnic stuff, editing client, editing/coaching client, the move off of Apocalypse, set up website on Postdiluvian, garden club stuff for Saturday) all of which require my physical presence (meetings, work shifts, meetings, ass in front of the computer or programs time out, ass in the chair to do the editing).

I have a pile tools that need updating in the midst of trying to hit these deadlines (new computer, no time to install all the programs I need, difficulty moving my files over from my previous home drive resulting in difficulty figuring out where to PUT STUFF while the final configuration is still being determined, cuz I can't play with moving those files until I'm done playing with moving Apocalypse files) and NO sleep. Plus someone's trying to fling psycho drama at me and my shields are weak. I'm not only burning the candle at both ends, I've melted the middle bit and run out of wick.

My internal "I'm depressed" warning signs are starting to go off. The feeling of being overwhelmed, the distaste with picking up cell phone voicemails, some bad mental imagery, negative thoughts about my abilities, irrational irritation, etc. I suppose I should stop arguing with it and just be with the downtime again and see what happens.

But that's so... depressing.

[User Picture]From: foomf
2008-06-20 02:22 pm (UTC)

You have documented a bipolar mood cycle with a disabling lower bound. You NEED to talk to a professional about this.
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[User Picture]From: kjc
2008-06-20 03:09 pm (UTC)
I am seeing a professional, Hutch. I wouldn't be taking the generic AD without her.

She says "You're NOT bipolar."

I've asked her twice!

I've described the mood swings!

I'm confused.
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[User Picture]From: foomf
2008-06-20 09:25 pm (UTC)
Second opinion time?

What does she use to disqualify the possibility of a bipolar?
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[User Picture]From: kjc
2008-06-22 03:16 am (UTC)
She's seen bipolar and I display NO bipolar symptoms.

(I'm so mellow I'm horizontal...)

I dunno. A friend found a new sleep specialist and she's going to email me his info, so I'm gonna try that next.
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[User Picture]From: foomf
2008-06-22 11:19 am (UTC)
... second opinion? That sounds REALLY vague. Does she think bipolar only means manic manic manic and then immobile depression?

(I'm increasingly distrustful of doctors ... if they cannot explain in detail how they come to their conclusions I no longer accept their diagnosis, until they can explain them, including their margin of error. If they won't admit to being able to be mistaken, and explain why they are confident, they're fired.)
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[User Picture]From: liralen
2008-06-22 12:42 am (UTC)
*hugs* It's interesting that you're tracking, now.

Maybe try it and see if it works again??
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[User Picture]From: kjc
2008-06-22 03:18 am (UTC)
Yeah, the lack of tracking was really hard when I'd look back and wonder, "how long have I been this depressed?" - because it's so darned incremental, it's hard to tell.

If I had the time to do all the sleepin' again, I would. But I lost a fair bit of productivity that week and I'm loathe to do it again.

That said, I do want to "repeat the experiment" and see if I get the same results. We'll see if I can clear some space in the next couple of weeks. Maybe before our end-of-July vacation.
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[User Picture]From: liralen
2008-06-22 04:04 pm (UTC)
Good. I think that'll be useful... and you know how long you'll need to last to get to it.

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