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Something? Or Nothing... - Body by Henson, brain by Seuss. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kelly J. Cooper

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Something? Or Nothing... [Jan. 30th, 2008|01:41 am]
Kelly J. Cooper

There's something... missing, almost... almost like it was never there. Or it was something I wanted. A craving? A need, maybe, to create or sculpt or carve. An urge. To write? To cry? I can't remember, or rather, I can't drag the fragments into enough coherence to even start to think. The piles and scraps of paper, like snow banks covered with notes and names and words, some with exclamation points and underlining, some crossed out and crumpled. It might be here somewhere. Or did I dream that I wrote it down? Did I make this up, while thinking, while showering, while walking, while waiting for the next... the next... whatever comes next? I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. Sometimes it's as if I don't know anything, and the years and decades spent accumulating knowledge were diversions from just living. Yet I love knowing things, understanding how they work, how they fit together or fall apart. I miss... the learning, maybe. The daily drenching of a young brain in a rich broth of information. Or maybe it was having a goal - to graduate from this, complete that, find this, get promoted to that, buy this, lease that, collect all of those. I've run out of goals but for one - to be happy. And I can't seem to find the path, the note, the book, the class, the signal, the arrow, the choice, the possession, the mindset to get me there.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: lillibet
2008-01-30 07:34 am (UTC)
Hardest to learn is the least complicated.

Sorry it's so elusive these days. I don't have any keys to offer, but if you'd enjoy tea and the company of a friend and a baby, we're all yours.
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[User Picture]From: metagnat
2008-01-30 12:34 pm (UTC)
I think I know what you mean.

-E
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[User Picture]From: gem225
2008-01-30 05:52 pm (UTC)
This is excellent, evocative writing, but I'm so sorry that you feel this way now, and I wish that you find your answer soon. I know that I still have days like this, and they suck.
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[User Picture]From: kimberlogic
2008-01-31 01:34 am (UTC)
I'm sorry that you're feeling lost from yourself. I will try to come up with something useful to do that might help as I'm sure my hugs, well-wellwishes and random clues may not be that helpful to you. I know it doesn't really help you find your bliss but I have to say again that you write so eloquently, particularly about these deeper, murky issues.

*hugs*

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[User Picture]From: wonderreader
2008-01-31 01:48 am (UTC)

something?

"One cannot divine or forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them by chance, in a lucky hour, at theworld's end somewhere, and holds fast to the days, as to fortune or fame"

Willa Cather, "Le Lavandou," 1902

No I am not a big Willa fan - this was quoted in the beginning of 'Stumbling on HAPPINESS' (Daniel Gilbert) which I have only started to read. He does say "We treat our future selves as though they were our children, spending most of the hours of most of our days constructing tomorrows that we hope will make them happy." interesting concept - I will tell you if I learn anything.
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