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State of the Cooper, 2009 - Body by Henson, brain by Seuss. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kelly J. Cooper

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State of the Cooper, 2009 [Dec. 20th, 2009|02:23 am]
Kelly J. Cooper

Fighting off a sore throat. Cranky. Not very clear-headed.

Woke up today around 11-something in the AM, which was nice. Fell back asleep, fighting off this cold that's threatening to take over my throat like a giant fungal bloom straight out of the X-Files.

Finally crawled out of bed around 3pm. Ran errands with the BF for a prescription, comic boxes, food shopping, and a Christmas tree.

Came home & made a late lunch, then started cleaning the living room so that the tree would fit. Filled TWO short boxes with individual comics and one BIG plastic bin with graphic novels, all of which were just lying around my living room. Yeesh. Finally made enough room for tree after the BF pointed out that while he was thrilled I was cleaning up my comics, I wasn't actually working on clearing the space where the tree needed to go. Oops. Shifted focus, cleaned that spot in 10 minutes. Duh. Glad I got some of the comics clutter under control, though. (Meanwhile, the BF figured out what was wrong with the snow blower and fixed it, then made yummy chicken pot pie from scratch.) We brought the tree in and set it up in the stand. As usual, we bought it from the kids in Foss Park, where the money goes to school programs for the Somerville School system.

I even did a load of laundry! Hot shit!

Didn't manage to socialize with anyone today, though.

I'm working on Arisia stuff again this year, helping with the Pros(e) Nest, and it's reminding me where I was exactly a year ago and I don't feel like anything has improved. I'm still paralyzed with depression. I'm still broke (though my parents just sent me a very generous donation). The house is still a pit. My life is still aggravating. I thought I'd be a little better by now and while I'm not in as bad a place as I was last year, I'm not in a good place.

Dammit.

2009 has been a complete pain in the ass. I started off the year depressed out of my skull and suicidal (the depression having started in late fall/early winter of 2008).

Right after Arisia, I had a run of flyers put up all over Boston, Cambridge, and Somerville, mostly around the colleges, but some in public areas. This was the new design that lionsburg made (and I tweaked). It got me a lot more calls and emails than my previous flyers. Then I hit a bad patch and stopped listening to my damned voicemail. Lost a lot of work.

Things got marginally better in the spring, not necessarily because of the weather, but because I dragged myself forward in terms of getting my sleep and depression aggressively treated again.

My sense of time is all fucked, so I'm not sure when I had the sleep studies. (Leaving off to go check my LJ – yay tags!). Ok, so of the two sleep studies I've had recently, one was in November of 2008, after I broke down and cried in my Primary Care Doctor's office & told her I was suicidal and desperate to get help with my sleep and depression issues. The second one was in March of this year. It was after the first study that I met my neurologist. The second study is the one I flunked and it was at my second meeting with the neurologist, over a month after the second sleep study, when he suggested I see a psychiatrist.

It took time to work up the energy to call the names of psychiatrists that the neurologist gave me, and the only one who could take me only had appointments available a month out, so I had my first appointment at the end of August. Started Prozac shortly after that.

Interlude: I was on Paxil when we started Prozac. Paxil's really rooted in yer brain, so you have to taper off of it, rather than simply stop. Tapered, tapered, tapered, OOPS, too far. Turns out it WAS helping my digestion, it's just that the titration INCREASE process had been so gradual I hadn't realized how much it was helping til I headed back down and hit 10mg, which is too little. So now I'm at 10mg a day, alternating with 15mg every other day.

Now, after three months, we've just given up on Prozac this week and switched to Zoloft. Already had a couple of better nights' sleep than I've had in a while. Still on the smidgen of Paxil. The Prozac was leaving me wonky, alternating between sleeping for 12-20 hours at a time, then not being able to sleep, or only getting 2 hours, and having a horrible day (especially if I had to work at the comic shop). Also a few days here & there, then a week straight of getting to bed sometime after midnight and before dawn, waking up around 7am, not being able to fall asleep again til noon (but too tired to get up), then sleeping the rest of the day into the evening, when the BF got home. Upshot, I should have moved past side effects by now, and I wasn't, so it clearly wasn't working.

Started regular old talk therapy with a local woman a couple of weeks ago to supplement the more chemically-oriented work I've been doing with the psychiatrist. We're still in the "getting to know you" stage, but I have hope that she'll be able to help me move to the next level of handling my shit.

I've been working at the comic shop for 2.5 years now.

I started twittering a year ago, so that's still going, a year later.

Set up my Facebook account in August. Finally figured out the bit where you grab a particular user name in order to have a universally viewable URL just a couple weeks ago. I am an idiot. Missed out on my own name.

Surprisingly, my comedy alarm clock is still getting me up and out of bed, although my sleep schedule has been so screwed lately that it hasn't mattered much. Unfortunately, I've figured out how to turn it off in my sleep, which isn't so good (and why I still use the regular alarm as a back-up).

Got a lot of editing work this fall/winter. A new steady client that is a business, which looks better on the resume than a pile of students. I just wish more of them would pay me. Got a pile of address stickers from the Somerville Chamber of Commerce. Now I just gotta compose the letter to send to all these strangers. Yeah, that'll be easy. I've also got half-done letters to local types who I think might be interested in my editing services, if they knew that I existed. Wish I could finish those.

Ok, maybe things are a little better. But it doesn't really FEEL like it.
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: ckd
2009-12-20 08:53 am (UTC)
2009 has been pretty mean to my friends. I'm hoping for 2010 to be significantly better.

In a discussion elsejournal, someone pointed out that personal victories may not appear to be important from the outside but that shouldn't stop you from recognizing them for yourself. I've tried to take that to heart, and it's helped.

Thinking of you and wishing you hope, comfort, and progress.
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[User Picture]From: rmd
2009-12-20 12:42 pm (UTC)
i would say that things have absolutely improved. you're moving in a different directly, which is to say "up".
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[User Picture]From: zanzjan
2009-12-20 02:30 pm (UTC)
I know this probably doesn't help, but given the way 2009 went for a lot of people I know, holding steady is definitely a success.

And this probably doesn't really help either, but I'm always rooting for you. Mostly I'm just too stuck in my own little tar-pit of a life to remember to say so as often as I should.
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[User Picture]From: metagnat
2009-12-20 02:59 pm (UTC)
I don't know, it sounds like you got a lot achieved, to me, especially in the medical practitioners department. It's very difficult to find medical practitioners, is what I've found, and it sounds like you've found a ton and are still working with many of them, which is great!

-E
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[User Picture]From: librarybrandy
2009-12-20 04:29 pm (UTC)
It sounds to me like you're making some progress, and that's excellent news.

Also, it sounds like I may have shared my cold when we popped in Friday night. :( Sorry about that! Good news: it's pretty short-lived, as colds go. Feel better!
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[User Picture]From: wonderreader
2009-12-21 04:12 am (UTC)

credit

Please give yourself credit for the things that you DID do - while struggling with all of your problems - it was uphill through the snow - both ways. And we are glad that you are still with us, still working on it all, still being you.
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[User Picture]From: catness
2009-12-22 10:38 pm (UTC)
I feel 10x shittier right now than I did this time last year. However, I've taken a lot of steps in 2009 to help make 2010 and forward better.

You've been doing the same thing all year. It just seems like slow == no progress at all, and that's not true at all. You've been working on fixing your shit constantly and that is HARD STUFF. Exhausting work which can fuck with your energy reserves for other things. Which makes all the things you're struggling with even harder, and they were never easy to begin with. It seems like crap because it FEELS like crap. But it's not crap. Every million miles hafta take a first step. And you've been doing that, for a while now. Be easy on yourself when you can.

Much love, babe.
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