|Sleep And Depression
||[Jun. 20th, 2008|04:47 am]
Kelly J. Cooper
Back on Memorial Day, I had a little fit of pique at the world. It was depressed and exhausted. I'd stayed up much too late (until 7am) and the BF was out of town. I crawled into bed and stayed there, except for getting up to use the facilities, for about 24 hours.
I got up, was awake for maybe 8 hours, went to sleep again (around 2pm on Tuesday, failing to make it over to Circlet), woke late that evening, was up for a while through Wednesday morning. I tried to stay awake to have lunch with muffyjo, but ended up passing out while waiting for her to finish up something (sorry again!). Slept until the BF returned from his trip, around 10pm. We chatted, he convinced me to get out of bed for some food. We ate, I might've read email, then I went back to sleep.
I worked Thursday, worked my normal LONG damn day Friday, slept Saturday, worked Sunday.
But I wasn't feeling depressed. In fact, by the following Monday, I was strangely cheerful.
That was 18 days ago, and over the last 4-5 days, I've felt the cheerfulness slipping away.
Three things. 1. This dispels an internal theory I had about my schedule automatically making me depressed on Mondays (due to sleep issues building up). 2. I'm once again desperately sleep deprived. 3. What the hell?
Where did the cheerfulness come from? Was it because I was just going with my bodily urges? (I felt tired, I lay down, I slept.) Because I was being with the depression instead of fighting it or trying to figure it out? Because I finally SLEPT ENOUGH? (But I've slept and slept and slept before, without the cheerful results.)
Right now, I have a pile of deadlines (IT client, Picnic stuff, editing client, editing/coaching client, the move off of Apocalypse, set up website on Postdiluvian, garden club stuff for Saturday) all of which require my physical presence (meetings, work shifts, meetings, ass in front of the computer or programs time out, ass in the chair to do the editing).
I have a pile tools that need updating in the midst of trying to hit these deadlines (new computer, no time to install all the programs I need, difficulty moving my files over from my previous home drive resulting in difficulty figuring out where to PUT STUFF while the final configuration is still being determined, cuz I can't play with moving those files until I'm done playing with moving Apocalypse files) and NO sleep. Plus someone's trying to fling psycho drama at me and my shields are weak. I'm not only burning the candle at both ends, I've melted the middle bit and run out of wick.
My internal "I'm depressed" warning signs are starting to go off. The feeling of being overwhelmed, the distaste with picking up cell phone voicemails, some bad mental imagery, negative thoughts about my abilities, irrational irritation, etc. I suppose I should stop arguing with it and just be with the downtime again and see what happens.
But that's so... depressing.